Utterly Personal

Note: Cynical Rant after the jump do not read unless You dislike Valentines Day

“It’s hard to start again after a marriage. It’s hard to really, like, look at somebody and go, hey, maybe something nice will happen. … Or you’ll meet the perfect person, who you love infinitely, and you even argue well, and you grow together, and you have children, and then you get old together, and then she’s going to die…that’s the best case scenario.” – from Louis C.K’s show LOUIE

So here’s the thing, this Valentines business is bad news. For oh-so-many reasons.  Whether you think its origins are shamelessly intertwined with the desire of Hallmark-like companies to get you to buy the needless crap  like stuffed teddies, lame cards, and chalky-tasting candy, or  you are really bizarre and actually want to celebrate the martyrdom of  a Christian priest was beaten, clubbed, stoned, beheaded, and burnt for refusing to marry Christian couples and interfaith couples, it’s not very romantic.

Here’s what I do get: it’s fucking February!!! Which is a cold no-man’s-land of hopelessness especially if you have just experienced the third worst blizzard in the history of Chicago. Let’s face it, Christmas is over, there’s no real days off for us working stiffs, and  it’s still months before the sunshine kicks back in. So were all lacking in vitamin D and probably a bit bummed in general.  Everything’s harder in the winter.  If you drive, you have to get up early to dig yourself out of a parking space.  If you take the CTA, you have to wade through the snow people were to lazy to shovel off their sidewalks. A fine layer of sludge mixed with salt gets all over everything which in turn gets all over your apartment which means more chores to keep your place clean, more money to keep it warm.  The list goes on and on. February is a month of drudgery. And Valentines Day is the big ole middle finger in it’s midst.

I can understand why someone would go, “Holy crap, February sucks we need a holiday up in here!  What’s the opposite of sucking well clearly that would be: love, sex, food, chocholate”…. I can see how the conclusion was drawn.

Here’s what it’s become, though: If you’re single, the highlighter gets dragged over the words “YOU”RE ALONE.”  If you’re in a bummer relationship you know you shouldn’t be in it’s the day where you’re going to be reminded of it by every well meaning happy asshole. If you are in a good relationship it’s a day where something additional will be expected. ‘Cause we all like to have our hand forced when it comes to romantic spontaneity. Cause is it’s even more romantic when you make a romantic gesture only because they’ll be a stigma if you don’t! Wheeeee Perhaps we should just change it to “Call in Sick and Screw Day!” God that’d be great wouldn’t it. I’m already happy just thinking about the possible scenarios. It sure beats the hell out of “Buy Me a Box of Chocolates or  I’ll Pout Day.”

I once worked at a flower shop on Valentines day, which required coming up with imaginative stories about why snap dragons were more romantic than the dozen red cliché roses. Because we had sold out of roses and it was my job to keep selling whatever was left. It was also my job to help men to come up with creative reasons why the lame last-minute gift they’d come in to buy was not, in fact, lame.

“What’s her favorite color?”


“Okay then do a yellow bouquet cause it shows you know something about her.”

I really felt for these guy and simultaneously was pissed at a society that expected this of them and didn’t raise them with enough sense to realize that this last-minute desperation was not the way to go about things. The next day was even more horrendous! That’s the day of angry phone calls. I seriously had a guy call me up and blame the demise of his relationship on me personally because I happened to pick up the phone.

His girlfriend, lovely darling that she was, had basically said that he’d shat on their relationship for long enough and if he didn’t really come through for her this V-day then he could expect something really bad. So the guy, who took this ultimatum seriously instead of just calling her out on her bullshit emotionally abusive blackmail, said, “Yes, darling.  Don’t worry, it’ll be perfect.” He then called the flower shop at which I worked and ordered a very expensive arrangement to be sent to her work at an exact time. One at which most of the ladies she’d work with would be at their desks so that when this monolith of floral wonder was delivered they’d all pee themselves with envy. Which I’m presuming was important to this girl. Except that it never arrived because he didn’t bother to tell us the building had a doorman who accepted deliveries and that doorman didn’t bother to walk the flowers up to her office at the exact specified time. In short fate actually delivered this girl karma instead of flowers. I mean you rarely get to glimpse the universe at work like that as a spectator and I gotta tell you I had to try very hard not to laugh throughout this guys entire rant about my lack of sufficient I.Q and his broken heart.

So in conclusion can you see the myriad of ways in which Valentines day sucks. I wonder if there is even a way to salvage this day and turn it once again into something beautiful. Perhaps that is a personal quest or perhaps it will always stink.


~ by mimifirst on February 22, 2011.

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